hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
