I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
the room spins SO much faster in panama
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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