i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
