My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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