while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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