I think I am morally bankrupt
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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