I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
