THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
