Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
