My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
