....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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