i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
