I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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