I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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