my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
