I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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