I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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