normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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