I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
