I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
