it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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