just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
