my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
