Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
you never un-have a 4some
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
