Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This is my gift to your gina
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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