i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
