Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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