thus making me awesome and them whores
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
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