im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
