Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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