Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's shark week go big or go home
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize