I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
