They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My ass is underappreciated
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
