thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
