I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
