Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
