I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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