paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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