just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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