There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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