so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
there was a trapeze. enough said
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
