My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I know her cup size but not her name....
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
