I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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