dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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