So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Never let your siblings swipe right.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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