if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
