You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
