Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
