cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
