Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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