Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
