Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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