I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If I die, sorry about rent.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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