yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
