I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
