I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
