too bad you live with your parents still
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
