There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
