so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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