alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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