I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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