i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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