So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
