I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She announced her abortion via fbk
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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