Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
